when does a hug become a bad thing? probably when you've eaten a whole bag in a day and a half

I have always been considered small framed. Growing up I was painfully thin. I didn't hit 100 pounds until I was a senior in high school. Because of being thin growing up, I began to worry about gaining weight. The majority of women in my family start out thin and gain weight with age. I do have a few women in my family who are larger than others. I began noticing the different sizes of my aunts and cousins and also began to worry. I was one of those, I can eat whatever I want kind of people, knowing I would still be thin. I never worked out. I was always curious about my weight and became a little obsessive about it.
Since I graduated from high school 16 years ago, I have gained about 30 pounds. The first year Drew and I were together I gained 20 of those 30. I knew I was getting bigger and thought nothing of it. My mom popped that bubble when the day before my wedding she told me I had gained weight. Since then my weight has gone up and down (I have gotten very good at hiding my weight). Two weeks ago I weigh myself and was shocked to see I lost 10 pounds. I really want to keep that weight off and lose another 10 pounds. My problem is I have no discipline and no self control. I go in spurts. I'll eat super monster healthy for a while, decide to reward myself and suddenly I'm of the wagon. I fell off the wagon this week and I hate it. I'm gross! I've eaten so much candy this week it's pathetic. I don't even really like candy, I eat it because it's there. Where is my self control? where is the discipline I had in my 20's? I used to kick box. I did kick boxing 4 times a week for 3 years. I was in such awesome shape. I miss those days. Since then I have broken both my ankles and ruined my knees. I don't have cartilage in my left knee, my right knee has some left and I have jacked up MCLs. Kinda makes you wonder how I walk. I manage, but I will need both knees replaced by the time I'm 40.
I want to get healthy. I want to get back into shape. I don't want to be one of those people who can't work out. I have thought about looking into Yoga or Pilaties, but money is a factor there. It's such a bummer.
I know I probably won't go back to the body I had when I was 23, but if I looked something like that, I'd be pretty darn happy.

12 years and it still hurts

When I was 19 my dad was diagnosed with Cancer. January of 1995, dad had surgery, a third of his left lung was removed, the sweat glands were also removed and some nerve endings. Dad went through radiation and three months later he was in remission. November of 1995 we were told the cancer had spread and he was to start chemo the next month. Chemo started in December. I don't know if I was too young or distracted or naive, but I thought things were going well with the Chemo. As his Cancer progressed and the Chemo continued to kick his ass, I began to see things differently. As the Chemo ripped his body apart, I began to resent my dad and how he wasn't the funny, happy person I grew up knowing. Lucky for us, friends didn't stop coming by and people would stop by and visit. My dad hated seeing people and aside from going to appointments, dad hardly ever left the house.
Looking back on it now, my dad was so weak and sick, but he was such a fighter. He told my mom numerous times he didn't want to die. As the months progressed, my brothers, sister and mom became a lot closer. Us kids kept it together for my mom and my mom stayed strong for my dad.
July 20, 1997 dad lost his battle with Cancer. He was 56. it was the worst day of my entire life. Dad was in the hospital and due to be released. He was in the hospital for routine dehydration from the Chemo, things looked good, he was given a release date. My mom asked us kids to all go to mass the day before dad was released because my mom had a mass dedicated to him and wanted us to go. We were spread around, so we decided on a time to go to mass and were all set to go to mass somewhere at 10:00 am. My twin brother, Scott, and I were with my mom getting ready for mass when the phone rang. I answered the phone, it was the hospital. My mom got on the phone, began crying and fell to the floor. Scott went to my mom and hung up the phone. All my mom could say was "We have to get to the hospital."
Mom, Scott and I went to the hospital, a little over an hour late my dad was gone.

I didn't know how to react to my dads death. I still don't. It's weird when people say they are sorry about my dad dying. I know peple mean well, but I never know what to say. I don't know if it's because I haven't fully accepted his death or because I don't want to accept his death. It's been 12 years and I still cry about it. I think about him every day and as each day passes, I miss him more.

I posted a picture of my dad holding Heather while trying to get Scott and me to stop crying. I think the picture was taken in November or December of 1975

a few hours with Pedro

My niece Evelyn, who is four, split her forehead open and had to get stitches. Evelyn had to get her stitches taken out yesterday (Tuesday) and my sister needed someone to watch my nephew Peter for a while and then take him to catechism. My sister asked me to help her out. I said I would. I love watching her kids and I was excited to spend some Peter and Auntie one on one time. I haven't had one on one time with Peter since he was 6 months old. I asked my sister if she could promise Peter won't be like he was the first time I sat him, he cried the whole time and wouldn't stop, it scared me off from sitting on the kiddos for a while. Lucky for me, Peter has stopped crying non-stop. As I was driving to my sister's place I was thinking about what Peter and I could do together, I didn't have a lot of time so I had to think small. When I got to Heather's house, the girls were running around trying to get ready. I helped get Lily ready as I got hugs, kisses and I love yous from Evelyn, Mya and Margaret. Peter hugged his sisters good-bye and Heather was off.

Peter stated showing me different things he had built with his Legos and drawings he had been working on (the poor kid really really needs a little brother). I asked Peter if he wanted to play or if wanted to do something with me. He was hesitant to answer and aked me what I wanted to do. I told him I was thinking about taking him out for ice cream. Before I could get the first part of cream out of my mouth, Peter was up and ready to go. We went to Baskin Robbins. I ordered Peter a sundae and it wasn't until he was inhaling it, did I realize I ordered him a large adult sundae. When you're six, and with your Auntie it doesn't matter how big the sundae is. After we ate, we still had time to waste. I took him to Walgreen's. As we were walking around, Peter stopped at a display of seeds. He looked at the pretty pictures of flowers and asked me if we could buy seeds for mommy for her birthday (Heather's birthday is February 13)
Peter picked out some seeds for Heather and asked me if we could wrap the seeds with a card and give his mommy an early birthday present. Of course I had to say yes. After we picked out the seeds, I had Peter pick out a card and a gift bag.

We had to get going to catechism and Peter was so concerned about being late (apparently my sister has trouble getting the kids ready and to places on time and Peter knows that) I take him to class, after we got lost a bit, I found where he needed to go. I was helping him take his coat off and get his stuff together. I got this feeling of sadness as I realised my little 6 month old non-stop crying nephew was 6 years old, in class and not really needing me there to watch him. I can't believe sometimes how much he has grown and how mature he is. He is always going to be my little Peter Pie (I don't think he knows that yet). I feel such a connection with Peter, I don't know if it's because he's the oldest or the only boy, but the connection is there. I love being an Aunt so much. It's the best job in the world

does sharing another 25 make it 50 Random Things? so there are a few repeats, maybe Random 43?

I know I posted a 25 random things about me, but I did one on Facebook - some (or most) of my answers are different - thought I'd share (again)

1. I lived at home until I was 25
2. I am the fourth of five children
3. I am a twin. my twin is a boy and I am 9 minutes older than him
4. I went back to school to get my bachelor's degree when I was 31
5. I am SO lucky and glad and thankful that my sister turned out to be my best friend
6. I interviewed Denny McLain for a speech class when I was 14
7. I don't know if I want to have kids. I don't think I'd be a good mom
8. I LOVE LOVE LOVE being an Aunt!
9. I have always been interested in radio and TV. when I was little I used to play radio station
10. I am not very photogenic
11. I took an acting class with my sister and had a blast (thanks Heazy!)
12. I have one sister and three brothers
13. I am trying to grow my hair to my waist
14. I *hate* being in front of a video camera, I'd much rather be working behind the camera
15. I didn't stop biting my nails until I got braces
16. I got braces when I was 22
17. my favorite food is broccoli
18. I went to China last summer
19. I read the death notices every day. I can't surf the web until I read the death notices
20. I hate raisins but I love raisin bread
21. my mom is the LEAST selfish person I know. she is also, by far. the most loving, caring and awesomest mom ever
22. I had Lasik eye surgery
23. my first football game ever was in 1987, the Lions vs. the Vikings - we won 14-7, I went with my dad, my sister and my brother Jim
24. I am not left handed
25. due to breaking my leg when I was little, my growth plate on my right leg is extended causing me to have a slight limp

how to spend a Sunday

So this morning I woke up around 11:20 and had been up for a little bit (more like 11:24, but who's paying attention?), I was drinking coffee, hanging with Drew and Harlo and my phone rings. It was my sister, Heather, wanting to know what I was doing and asking if I wanted to go to Panera for lunch (it was around 12:15 or so). I went back and forth with her telling her I was going to do homework all day and stay home. Heather starts to guilt trip me into feeling bad about not going out with her. I gave in, rather quickly, and went out to lunch. I am so, so, so, so, so glad I went. Heazy (a nickname I gave Heather when I were about 4) and I had such a good time. We sat in Panera for over 2 hours hanging out, talking, telling stories about when we were little and comparing our relationship growing up to Evelyn and Mya's relationships (Heather's two oldest daughters). I can tell you if Evelyn and Mya end up like Heather and me, they will eventually (very important word) become best friends. I don't think I learned to appreciate my sister until I was in my 20's. It sounds horrible, but unfortunately that's how it worked out

When Heather and I were little, we hated hanging out together and hated having to share friends. There are two and a half years between Heather and me. We found all day, almost every day. We had our few brief moments of getting along, other than that it was war. My parents, okay my dad, hated hearing us fight, but Heather and I had to fight, so we invented what we called "silent fighting". Silent fighting is, I hope, what it sounds like. Heather and I would pinch, kick, punch, scratch and pull hair all without making a sound. The joys of silent fighting were when, if we timed it correctly, Heather and I could have a full on dragged out, gloves off fight not make a sound and not get into trouble. We did this off and on for about 18 years, all hours of the day and night
We laugh about it now and I try to reference silent fights into conversations with Heather's kids. It's funny to hear things about Heather's girls and the fights they get into. I hope Evelyn and Mya and Lily ad Margaret don't take 18 or 20 years to learn to appreciate their sisters. The bonus for the girls is they at least have more than one sister to choose from. Heather and I only had one choice: love your sister or hate your sister. I love my sister =)

20 things

So in class the other day we did an ice breaker; two truths & one lie. You tell the class two things that are true about you and one thing that isn't and the class tries to figure out what is the lie. This got me to thinking about what a lot of my friends on facebook have been doing, writing lists of 16 or 20 facts about themselves that people may or may not know:

here is my list of 20:
1) I lived at home until I was 25
2) I am a twin
3) I am 9 minutes older than my twin
4) My first concert was The Monkees 20th anniversary reunion tour in 1986
5) I collect audio and video equipment
6) My family and I drove 7,000 miles across the country for a month long vacation
7) My parents met when they were in elementary school
8) My parents first date was my mom's senior prom
9) I was in a local beauty pageant when I was 18
10) I didn't get braces until I was 22
11) I have 24 teeth
12) I had oral surgery to remove 8 extra baby teeth and set of extra adult teeth
13) When I was 6 I broke my leg in two places and had to wear a full length leg cast for 4 months
14) Wearing a cast stretched my growth plate on my leg by a 1/2 inch, causing me to have a limp
15) I used to have 19 ear piercings
16) I traveled to China summer of 2008 to teach English and American Culture
17) I have never seen Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory
18) My favorite food is broccoli
19) My husband and I rescued our dog from a shelter
20) This list took me over two hours to complete

This was a lot harder to complete than I thought. I have come to the conclusion that I am not a very exciting person.

"how did you find me?" "I googled you?" (cue stalker music)

www.google.com. what a glorious invention. Next to the internet, beer, monkeys, VANS, Converse, Bruce Springsteen and laptops - google is one of the best inventions ever!!! I like to know what is going on in my life, every once in a great (once a week) while, I google myself. Really, who doesn't? I know you do, and you do, and you do too. But, do you google other people?

A few years ago my husband was given a project at work. He was working on a podcast. I wasn't "sure" what a podcast was, he explained to to me and then told me to google it. I am a big fan of all things local, so I googled podcasts, then I googled podcasts MI, then I probably narrowed it down a bit. Long story longer, I found someone I knew years ago through a podcast and really wanted to get in touch with her (she and I were married to a set of brothers - we became friends though our sisters-in-law relationship - when my ex and I split up, the sister-in-law and I lost touch)
I have been re-evaluating all things in my life: the death of my dad when I was 22, my marriage at 25, my divorce at 26, my alcoholism that was a direct result from my dad dying, my getting married and divorced. I had become a textbook train wreck, but I was too wrapped up in myself and my princess ways to know that I was an alcoholic and the world didn't revolve around me. At the time I thought the world was there to tell me I was awesome and I oozed awesomeness (I didn't and I don't). I began to hate who I was, how I treated others and just how much of a bitch I was. I decided to turn those things around. I have decided there are some people I owe an apology. I don't want to do this to gain friends and increase my popularity. I want/need to do this because I have a lot of pent up stupid things I did or said to people that didn't need to be said or did. I look at it this way. I'm doing this because I realized how awful of a drunk I was and I decided to stop/slow down my drinking (I did not join AA - if I didn't stop on my own, I would have eventually), being part-time sober, my super awesome memory (with exceptional detail) kicked into high gear and I started to remember stupid/embarrassing/flat out dumb things I said or did. I also want to apologize to some people for how much of a materialistic/self centered bitch I was the few times I was actually sober between 18 and 28 - yeah, 10 years of stupidity to sort through.

*back on topic* after finding the sister-in-law through a podcast, I decided I wanted to get back in touch with her. I google her every once in a while to see if I can find an email address for her. Tonight, I found one. I know it's probably a crap shoot, but I emailed her, explained to her who I was and why I was emailing her. I asked her to write me back, but explained I would understand if she didn't want to or if I scared her off completely. I wonder what will happen. I'm thinking worse case scenario, I will have to stay at least 500 yards away from her for the rest of my life. It could be worse.

if my name were Lucy, I'd have some 'splaining to do

Something occurred to me as I was walking through the sweet smelling hallway of the Science Building, I briefly mentioned in my first post about Drew losing his job and it not being health related. I should probably explain what I mean by that.

Drew (my boo) has been suffering from Chronic Kidney Stones, Arthritis in the back and Chronic Back Pain for four years. To date, Drew has passed over 270 kidney stones, had over 60 Emergency Room visits, about 20 week long or more hospital stays and almost a dozen kidney and or back surgeries. Drew has been on narcotic pain killers for over four years. He is NOT addicted to pain medication, he wants to get off the pain medication. Drew has a stimulator implanted into his back to help control any breakthrough pain that the narcotics don't take care of. Drew is in constant pain. From all these problems, Drew has been fired from two jobs, on disability and denied Social Security twice. Drew and I have had to pay for COBRA insurance from when he lost both jobs and we are looking at COBRA again. Without insurance, Drew's pain medication alone is over $2,000 a month.

I feel so stuck with the situation. I work part-time, go to school full-time, take care of him when I can and do a really, really shitty job of keeping up with the house. I'm not going to get all down in the kidney stone dumps and ask for sympathy, I'm just explaining my situation. Most of the time I am a pretty happy go-lucky, sarcastic, (some say) funny, roll stuff off my back kind of person. If I'm not one day, I probably have something going on with Drew (when I'm in school, he hates for me to miss class. If he does need to go to the Emergency Room and I have class, I will drop him off at the hospital, go to school and come back later to pick him up does that make me sound like an ice princess?) I try not to take out personal stuff on people at school and I certainly try not to wear my emotions on my sleeve. Some days I fail some days I succeed. I have learned a lot about kidney stones and back pain over the past four years. If this gets you wondering about anything, ask. My life is pretty much and open book.

Ciao

semi-colons are like yield signs

How is the deuce did Carrie Bradshaw do this all the time? Yeah, she wrote and advice column, but c'mon. Carrie had so many other things to worry about. Big vs. Aiden (admitting I was a huge Aiden fan for a long time - then like a tumor, Big grew on me). Now I look at Big and Carrie as my favorite TV couple. do I need to get out more?

So Drew lost his job. Well he got laid off. there were a few other people who got let go as well. Lucky for us the reason he was let go was not due to medical reasons. That's huge for him.

This is a first blog and bigger isn't always better. so this is not going to be uber long. I'm going to be updating the Adventures of Old Courtney soon. Sometime between now and next Thursday.

Ciao y'all